Capturing Life's Moments: Why I Picked Up a Camera

I have been asked this question, and I have asked myself the same question. I usually tell people it was an impulse buy that became a hobby and is now becoming something I want to do with my life. It’s not wrong, but there’s so much more to it.

Growing up, my hobbies were playing sports and video games. When I wasn’t engaged in either, I was a young entrepreneur selling golf balls on a golf course or hanging out with friends. I mentally checked out of playing sports around the age of 13 when politics got involved. I still remember parents complaining about their kids not having enough playtime because they thought their kid was a god out there. None of the kids I played with went on to play professionally or even had a sports scholarship. Way to go, parents!

Around the same time, I started to find my own music through video games. Some of my favorite bands I discovered through playing games like Tony Hawk's Pro Skater, Burnout 3 Takedown, and the NHL game installments. Everything changed for me when I was 16 and went to the Vans Warped Tour. A place for punks, metalheads, emos, and everyone else to come together and build a community based on respect, setting aside politics. After attending my first Warped Tour, my only end game was to be in a band and play on Warped Tour.

Years passed, and I eventually joined a band that had opportunities to be something but ultimately failed. It was on all of us. I was focused on making music and being creative, while other members were more interested in the party life. Looking back, I should have tried harder to get them to focus on music more or understand why they wanted to party. Maybe I could have helped them through whatever internal battles they were dealing with, but hindsight is 20/20. I don’t fault them or blame them for what happened and still and will always love them. There’s a bond between us that will never break, and for that, I am forever grateful.

After the band disbanded and other events happened in my life that I am still not ready to talk about, I had enough. I was 22 at the time and decided to try and become what the average person is. I worked a normal job, saved up and bought a house, adopted some animals, and had a normal life. One of the animals I adopted was a cat named Bilbo who was just full of love. When I would get home, he would rush to greet me with hugs, he would watch hockey with me, and at night he would either sleep in between my legs or on my pillow. I would wake up to him snoring most mornings. Bilbo was my best friend, and things were great until he got sick when he was a year and a half old. Over the course of the next year and a half, I would spend thousands of dollars trying to save him, but unfortunately, his body gave out, and I had to make the decision to put him down.

After that, I had a hard look at myself and realized how unfulfilling my life was to me. While on the outside I smiled and portrayed a happy person, I was depressed—not the suicidal kind, but the loneliness kind. I hated the job I was at, was mentally and emotionally tired all the time, had no one to talk to, and didn’t have a way to express myself creatively. Simply put, I was a shell of who I used to be. I hated myself for becoming a person that wasn't me, but also hated how I didn’t know how to find myself. There was still a lot of anger and resentment towards music, and anytime I looked at my bass, anger and sadness would come over me. During this dark time, I decided to impulse buy a camera.

I still don’t know what compelled me to buy a camera. I never had the urge to pick one up, and to this day, I am awkward in front of a camera. Yet, I still bought one. The first time I used it was a cold day in December when I walked around my parents' land taking photos of anything and everything I found interesting. That cold day in December was the first time in a long time I felt alive.

Ever since that moment, I was hooked. I learned about ISO, aperture, and shutter speed, gaining confidence to use the camera in manual mode. I eventually bought a computer so that I could learn how to edit my photos. I finally found something that was a way for me to be creative. I didn’t have to rely on others, and my successes and failures were my own. Most free days, I would wake up and go get lost in the world, taking photos, expressing myself, and finding who I once was.

Although the way I discovered photography wasn't particularly joyful, it remains my story, and I wouldn't alter it. I had to endure difficult times and lose myself to ultimately rediscover who I am through photography. I think the challenges, the losses, the heartache, the anger, the love, and the joy are reflected in my photography because it serves as my light in life. Sometimes, darkness can reveal the light.